#im just stressing so goddamn much about it
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in case any of y’all have forgotten my ao3, it’s paxambabes and I’m making this post bc the AI Will au (first chapter) is dropping in the next few days and maybe the random part of the eldtrich Hannibal/immortal Will au shortly after.
#im just stressing so goddamn much about it#like what if the style im going for just doesn’t land with ppl?#the whole point of the first au is that he’s suddenly thrown into consciousness#so he knows jack fucking shit about what it’s like to be a conscious being#and this isn’t even the part where he wakes up in his body#so shits gonna read weird bc ur meant to see it directly through his eyes#like as if ur experiencing consciousness for the first time too#so u follow his fucked up journey through the chapters#and get intimately familiar with how he works#idk it’s a HUGE risk for me writing wise#and I’m afraid it’s gonna fall flat with readers and not live up to expectations#both line and y’all’s#*mine
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stressed
I have to fight family again
#everybody hates meeeee#tomorrow is going to be so fucked#aunt literally said i tried to kill her???????? bro idk what to do with a person like that#im really really stressed#like it never got to physical violence or anything but im always scared it will cause it's just#getting more and more heated and i know she literally hates me right now#like usually she does the whole spiel about loving me sooo much but now she's convinced that#I'm against her#well i am#fuck that bitch#but well she's acting like a freaking cartoon villain#oh wel#well#but goddamn im really stressed rn#ok whatever i just needed to vent it's probably going to be fine#but like#i do feel like I'm planning a grand escape rn#and it SUCKS ASS#i really want to cut that woman out of my life or actually out of all of our lives cause she's just#traumatizing one person after the other#god i cant wait to be away from her so i can freaking relaxxx ToT#i can't believe i let myself fall for her tricks every single time and just believe shes good now AURGG#ok ok i just needed to vent this is so unreal for me rn I've been so stressed for days this is so frantic#whatever goodbye lmaooooooo#vent
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#Seven’s Public Diary#vent#vent post#cw negative#cw health issues#‘You’re such a heartless and hateful person.’ well have you ever considered that i’m not really a hateful person and i just hate You#like. call me whatever you want to i guess. im definitely selfish and probably heartless but hateful? idk abt that.#i only feel like i hate people that have given me good fucking reason to. sorry i dont have an infinite supply of tolerance & forgiveness??#but im a wee bit fucking stressed so you’ll have to forgive me for being a bitch. well no one Has to forgive me. do whatever you want#‘That 10-day old pasta salad is making me feel sick.’ MF that was made TODAY. IT’S FRESH AND THERE’S NOTHING WRONG WITH IT#if you feel sick how about you look down at the fifteen empty beer cans on the floor next to you and ask them what they think did it#dumbass. whatever man i have bigger problems than your self-induced tummy ache#i feel sick too but i know it’s my fault so i’m not bitching about it. i gave you fresh food while I ate the old stuff to keep from wasting#food. because you act like you’re fucking allergic to leftovers. and yeah it had probably gone off and that’s why I feel sick#but what you ate tonight was fresh as could be so we’re sick for two Very different reasons. and i know how to admit when it’s my fault#everything is my fault. my teeth and gums hurt and that’s My fault for not taking care of them. apparently 3 root canals wasn’t enough#for me to learn my goddamn lesson. i never do. so i’ll have to spend more money on that soon and thats My fault. the dog’s teeth need#cleaning too and that’ll come out of my pocket and i guess that’s My fault for not taking care of him either#i think i have another goddamn UTI and that’s definitely My fault so another $100 trip to urgent care it is i guess!#my Random Nerve Pain has moved to my hands so i can’t use them too much or it fucking hurts and i guess that’s my fault???#my neck pain is back and thats my fault for not clearing my bed off enough to sleep in a comfortable position#my eye keeps twitching and i guess that’s my fault too. i don’t know anymore i just wanna throw in the towel man im so tired#god the UTI tests i wasted money on are arriving tomorrow and if they’re packed in a way that shows what’s inside then i’ll have to explain#That to whoever brings in the mail. great great something else to worry about all night#the living room floor is caving in so now there’s Two room’s floors that need fixing so that’s super fucking fun! 😃#i need to talk to my bank and i need to talk to a tax professional and i need to learn to drive and i need to get an autism diagnosis#well i don’t Need the last one but i want it so bad. but im scared. that i’ll go to all this trouble and they’ll say i don’t qualify#and god it’s NYE now. Besties i’m not gonna get that NMbD NYE fic ready in time. i just can’t make myself write these days. i’m sorry.#i doubt anyone is gonna be That disappointed but I Am. in myself. 3 fucking years now i’ve failed to finish it. w h y. i Want to write but#there’s just too much on me rn. but when is there Not. sigh. idk what i’m gonna do but something needs to change. in my life. soon.
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#today i had a pianist during a rehearsal go “wow your voice you just have so much natural talent i mean some people really work for years—”#and i kinda snapped#and i was polite but also i unloaded the entire story of the last thirteen years in the cosmic joke that is my life#this lady got thirteen years of trauma in a twenty minute speed run#she Learned Things today about existential despair and the societal clusterfuck that is the Trans Experience#and how that intersects in the classical singing world in an incredibly challenging and fucked up way#and how i went from scooting under the door into a voice program with seven lessons under me#and then three years later proceeded to fling myself into a testosterone fueled vocal puberty in the midst of a professional singing degree#and lost the respect and support of most of the vocal and choir faculty because everyone thought i was committing professional suicide#if it werent for my own voice teacher (who at some point became the mother figure I'd never had) keeping me afloat i would not be here#i have c-ptsd from the shit i went through in the choir department#i had to drop out of school for a semester because my body just folded under the stress#i started getting migraines severe enough i was hospitalized twice with stroke-like symptoms#two weeks ago i had a former teacher from the early days deadname me in front of our colleagues#she tried to play it off as no big deal and it just reminded me no matter how successful i become in this field#no matter how much work i put in to overcome my past#its always going to come back and find me through people who refuse to learn respect#and somehow! im still here! im making a living in the field i trained for#how many people in my generation in the arts degree sector can say that?? by some metrics i am thriving but jesus goddamn#i clawed and fought and bit and dragged myself to where i am right now and had to find my voice TWICE and the worst part is#she meant well#the pianist i mean#and i was polite when i told my story but it was so important to me that she understood#no amount of talent would have gotten me here without sleepless nights and long hours and blood and sweat and tears and you know what#maybe i am a better person for it but dont compliment me by implying i have some inherent gift from a god i dont even believe in#dont tell me your god put me in this place to teach other people compassion#i didnt brush the door of death as many times as i did for the sake of someone else's enlightenment#its been a long 13 years. hell its been a long 2023. in the last eleven months ive had a fundamental upheaval#of everything i thought i knew and understood about myself#so yea im standing at the gate to hell looking the devil in the eye. try me bitch. ive endured worse.
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One of those texts I kind of need to sit on before I decide how I'm going to word it.
I never know how to start these, but I always have an idea on what to say. Your opinion of me actually matters a lot & the implication that you believe that I lie to you or I'm not doing enough is kinda hurtful. It comes across to me like my effort is worthless to you & that what I want doesn't matter at all. I wouldn't bring it up if I didn't think you cared, and I know you're going through a lot and shouldn't have to worry about me, but I'm getting mixed signals that are really throwing me off. What do you want from me? Am I asking too much of you and you don't know how to tell me? I sincerely want to be there for you, regardless of what it looks like to get to that point, but if you don't want me there you can tell me! What you want matters just as much, if not more, to me. I'm not the kind of person to be hostile about things if they don't work out. I don't want to be another source of stress or negativity for you, and I don't want you to be afraid of being honest with me. I constantly question if you're just too nice to tell me you aren't interested anymore, and even if you are, I might need more reassurance than you can give me because I don't think I'm very worth it to anyone for anything. If you don't think I'm trying hard enough then tell me what I need to do to change that! I'm at the point of just not knowing what I bring to your life, if anything at all. You don't need to deal with me on top of everything else, so, I'm sorry for this. Even if you don't text me back I'll feel better once I get it out there. The only thing I've ever been afraid of is not communicating exactly how much I care about you & how much you mean to me - even if it doesn't matter to you, or you don't believe me. If there comes a day where we aren't in each other's lives anymore for whatever reason, I don't want either of us to question what could've been said or done differently or regret not doing more.
#I'm gonna sleep on this one. This could be a Monday night text. Or tomorrow#I'll refine this better. I think it's important to stress the whole Gemini factor here#REALLY mixed signals. If you want me to go just say it#I don't have time for the bait and switch yknow#I don't even think he's aware. Micheal said it pretty straight up and I know he's probably right#But I will be goddamned if I don't give it my best and most honest shot.#I think about Sean a lot sometimes and how much I miss him. It could make me cry#I never got the chance to tell him anything. To show him I made it#He will NEVER get here. He will always be stuck when and where and how he died and that fucking kills me#That pain and raw grief are what keep me going at this point.... he will never experience life after that moment in time#And I am so scared that the same thing will happen to my s/o and he will walk into it with eyes open#And I can't communicate that fear to him. That profound sadness. Watching a movie over and over and hate the ending#It's *hard*. How many times can I watch it happen? How many times will it keep happening? Take my fucking revolution or whatever#I woke up angry today and im committed to being empty and full of resentment I think#I just want to talk to Sean. He would say the same thing micheal did I bet.#God I really miss him huh. Crying and shit or whatever. I don't have time for this#Sean would laugh at me for crying over some hot guy who I am clearly the side girl to#Lmao I would laugh too. Yeah. Get it together.#It's just another relapse so relax sit back and take a deep breath......
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omg i love fortune cookies so much (〒ω〒) i was thinking about how i don't have any friends and that i could never be really myself with the "friend group" i had, and then i opened the fortune cookie and it says "Harmony and balance are waiting for you." such a basic ass message but it got me in tears.
#also im so fucking anxious about that goddamn greek vacation#i feel like going is a mistake#and id be much calmer if i could just finish my exams and leave and never have to see anyone from high school for the next few years#but its already paid for and i probably will never have an opportunity like this again so im going#its just#arrrgh#im genuinely more stressed out about this than the fucking exams#���‧₊˚
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my mom sitting there nodding along to my very emotional retelling of how i was chased by my classmate (actually my crush but she doesn't have to know that) who kept shoving a dead lizard in my face in ninth grade
#tp#might sound silly now but i genuinely felt like i was about to die from the stress of it#i hated him after that#he deliberately did that because i told them i was scared of lizards#had the gulls to laugh at me losing my absolute shit too that bastard#laugh as i shove the stick higher up your ass then how bout it#i could have grabbed a chair and given him a high five with it on his face#but being the bigger person i am i just cried in the bathroom afterwards bye 🚶🚶#and then i realized i was being bullied 😭😭 took me a while to clock that#i cant believe i used to like him im so done actually#comparing him and the guy im now very much enamoured by ... the difference is in the actions#god he bought me overpriced coffee at ten in the night outside bc he thought i could need company#and he was RIGHT goddamn it that guy#'i didnt know if you liked it with sugar or not so i brought two just in case' are you shitting me you're an angel#walked me around and talked me out of feeling like utter shit for two whole hours god im falling for my quote unquote therapist friend#i havent seen him for four five months im going through withdrawal#and then when we were back at the hotel and i stayed up reading a book at the lobby he came down and said he would sit with me#and he would stay awake just in case because he noticed a creep at our floor im going to fucking SOB#and obviously i couldnt make him stay up for me so i said okay i would go back to my room so he wouldnt have to worry#AND YOU KNOW WHAT HE DID???#he made sure i entered my room and closed the door safe and sound before going back down the hallway to his ⁉️⁉️#DO YOU NOT SEE HOW PERFECT HE IS
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merry crumbus or whatever
#yay its almost overrrrr#im still stressed out lmao#im gonna complain a little okay. cause our family decided to do a secret santa this year instead of the traditional gift giving#of whoever buying whatever to whoever depending who has money and whatnot#but anyways. i got off fairly easy with getting my sister so no problem there. i know what she likes and everything#the problem is that my gift giver is most likely gonna be either of our parents. and i know i shouldnt complain butttttttt#(i also know its not my older brother due to context clues and i doubt my sister got me back. which leave our other brother and parents#i'd trust my brothers but not my parents to buy me gifts. especially since we had a 'no requests' rule in place for this exchange)#so either 1. im gonna be hearing from my mom that im difficult to shop for and she doesnt know what i like and i get to listen how estranged#i am. once again. hurray#or 2. my dad is gonna buy me clothes that are a size too small and then complain to me and call me fat which. great /s#the best option is my brother did get me and im just gonna get nerd shit for christmas but. im not super hopeful#so i hope im terribly wrong about this and it'll all go fine and i know i shouldnt care so much about gifts but also#we are only giving out things to one person each this year. it has some weight to it. so like... i dont wanna be rude but my parent dont#know how to shop for me. just because i couldnt ask for a hairdryer and a rice cooker that i would have wanted#anyways. i need to clean a little idk when my dads picking me up. im just ugh. stressed and its stupid but yeah#complaining about gifts as a 32 year old is so entitled i know but goddamn what am i gonna do with clothes that dont fit for example#sigh. sorry i needed to get that out#also my face still hurts yay fuck my wisdom tooth tbh#night is an absolute mess on main
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and what if i start killing. what then
#sorry for doing this everyone ignore that but oh my godddddd. can we stop with this???#sometimes its just that food is expensive but i cant even say that now bcause i steal most of my groceries#its just so much work. and yeah i dont keep enough stuff around but also god who has the willpower#i do good for maybe a week and then inevitably go a day without eating much cause im busy or tired or just not thinking about it#and then its so hard to get back to it. can we stop????? can it be enough already??????#half the time i just dont even notice im hungry and the other half im really good at ignoring it. i dont want to be!!!#why are we like this gang!!!! i know why!!! can we stop!!!! enough already!!!!#making some goddamn fucking rice bcause i dont have anything else in the kitchen but i dont want to not eat#i was doing so well too. id put on some weight over the summer#turns out not having a ton to stress about other than a daily job is really nice#im banking on next semester and research after that not being as bad but. gang idk if i can do this for a year#im tired. which makes everything else worse#can we stop. can we have enough already. and its so fucking stupid too#ooh girl. shock me like an electric eel#ooh im always hungry and i never eat. ok skill issue why are you being such a bitch about it. enough already on god#im fucking TRYINGGGGGGG. my cavemen ancestors saying good lord grug. die already if u wont kill the mammoth#fucking ridiculous
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friend is in the hospital and there's nothing I can do to help 👍
#the sky speaks#she's dangerously underweight#im so worried about her#stuff like this just happens bc of her chronic illness and stress makes it so much worse ofc#and she's SO fucking stressed bc of money and her SHITTY goddamn parents#i dont wanna yap too mgch even on a post hardly anyone will read bc its her business not mine#but my chest has been hurting so bad all day thinking about her#and its my brother's surprise bday tomorrow and 10 mil ppl will b there and im in charge of trick or treaters bc it's on the same day 🙂🔫#IM SO FINE 😁😁😁#I SPENT 100 DOLLARS ON BOOKS TODAY 😁😁😁
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sighs and collapses and disintegrates into the wind
#Seven’s Public Diary#vent post#cw vent post#ah yes. another restless nights sleep in a cold room bc i was too upset and sick to eat enough yesterday and my nightmares won’t let up and#my heater isn’t enough to warm the room when it’s this fucking cold outside. but it’s fine bc i don’t think i deserve to be warmer anyway#i should get water but i’ve been stuck laying here for an hour wondering if im racist and feeling like i should just. leave. or smthn. idk#i need a caregiver so there’s someone here to stop me from doomscrolling tumblr and reddit discourse for two hours before bed. lol#but ig no matter how careful i try to be there’ll always be part of me thats. unconsciously? racist? bc im white so its just part of me#idk im not educated enough to talk about it so i guess the real lesson to learn here is to keep my fucking mouth shut. which i can do!#i don’t. know how to apologize correctly. bc no one wants to hear me piss and moan abt my white guilt. if that’s what it even is#im too stupid to understand what to do or say and the more i type the worse it sounds so im just. sorry. i apologize for anything i’ve said#or done. that wasn’t right or was insensitive or thoughtless or uneducated or. whatever else it is i rlly don’t know#i didn’t mean to use AAVE. i really didn’t know. so i’ll go edit the tag where i used it but. that’s only one example. how many more am i#unaware of? how often do i put my foot in my mouth and not know it? im sorry. i’ll try to do better#but there’s so much to be mindful of that i can’t keep track of it all and it’s overwhelming me so i think i should just. be quiet.#‘always a fanfic writer at the scene of the crime’ i. didn’t know there was a connection between racism and fanfic. now im worried#was that just an easy jab to make bc it’s cringe or is it actually problematic. why does it seem like theres smthn wrong w everything i do#anyways. i have to stop thinking abt it or im gonna anxiety vomit. i could go lay on the couch#it in the only warm room of the house but it’s covered in dog hair and i hate the smell from the stupid fucking propane heater#it gives me a headache and makes me paranoid. why did he install gas heat when he could’ve gone with a heat pump. all he did was make#everything harder on everybody. so now we have dangerous gas heat in the winter and shitty mold-filled window ac units in the summer#when he could’ve installed a heat pump/ac unit combo thingy and we would’ve been good to go. why is he like this.#YOURE A GODDAMN ELECTRICIAN. HAVE BEEN YOUR WHOLE LIFE. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING YOU WANT. SO ACT LIKE IT.#im staying in bed. the rest of the house reeks of burnt plastic bc SOMEONE decided to take FOUR sedatives and drink a couple beers before#trying to use the stove to cook dinner :))) so now i have to figure out how to clean that up. i take back everything i said about winter#being my favorite season. this shit fucking sucks. there’s so much more to stress over and it’s all so much more expensive and exhausting#i never want another dog or cat ever again after these two pass. im not the person i once was and i cannot care for them like i used to.#i can’t even care for myself. couldn’t if i Wanted to right now bc everything is frozen solid. can’t shower. can’t do any laundry.#just get to sit here filthy cold and miserable in the one clean-ish sweater i have left for ? days until temps get back above freezing#anyways thats enough bitching abt my first world problems. time to shut up and be grateful for what i Do have bc it could be a Lot worse
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This just in: gotta get surgery
#i’m just. so tired#my body is exhausted and I’m emotionally exhausted too#and like I haven’t been able to just lie down and rest in over a week#since the cyst on my back feels like a hot poker is stabbing me in the shoulder blades at all times#and now I have to get an ultrasound before I can go into surgery#bc it’s on top of my spine#which I get but goddamn do I hate the American healthcare system#so I’m just popping nonstop ibuprofen and just bought some lidocaine but it only does so much#I’ve stress cried like three times in the past few days??#and like I don’t get homesick but I want my parents right now#I’ve had weird medical shit before but this one is definitely the most mentally frustrating#and I’ve strained so many muscles in my neck and back trying to avoid resting this one part of my back on anything#and it’s fine when I’m asleep bc I’m a stomach sleeper but nobody just lounges about on their stomach!!#so I’m in too much pain to do anything but sit here and I can’t even do that comfortably#god im just exhausted#libby shouts into the void#tw medical#tw surgery#vent post
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trying my hardest to cut back on vent posts but holy fuck the Horrors
#they simply never stop!! fucking hell!!!#i was talking abt how stressed i am to my mother and she was like “ok point to one thing other than (relative)'s death that's happened”#like!!! it's not about literal things!!! it's about the fact that i just keep losing at every turn no matter how goddamn small!!!!#no i don't remember every time that i was excluded from social stuff or my order was messed up at a fast food place so i didn't get to eat#but i remember how i just can't stop fucking losing!!!!!#like. on top of all the major life events and shit. the small stuff is what's really getting to me#my friends are disappearing. the distance grows greater. soon i'll be completely alone#god it's just fucking suffocating#i have. two (2) friends who actively still reach out to me. and eventually they'll get tored of how much i complain and leave me behind too#they're better for it anyways. nobody should have to deal with being friends with me#i'm just tired. i'm so fucking tired. of everything. i'm tired of being “so brave” this shit sucks ass and i can't fucking take it!!!#and those two friends are counting online friends. if i wasn't counting them i'd have nobody#all my friends have fucking moved. literally nothing i could do about it#just another example of the universe shitting on me at every single fucking turn#ok whatever. im going to bed and trying not to think about it. maybe the universe will take pity on me and kill me while i sleep#marin complains
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ugh i went on a date last night and it got me feeling like shit fr
#like.....i havent been on a date in a long ass time#but it felt like hanging out with a total stranger (cause he basically is i only met him once briefly)#and i just feel like i sabotaged myself cause i was out of my comfort zone#and all i do is complain about lonely i am and how i need to get laid and i finally get a chance (he literally invited me back to his place)#and i just panicked and jumped ship#like fuck!!!!! i know i wasnt over thrilled with the date and that for safety it was much better that i didnt go#but at the same time....god forbid i ever just take life into my own hands instead of just waiting around for it to happen to me#and outside of that ive been feeling insecure in general lately cause ive gained a ton of weight and i know its due to stress#and not taking care of myself properly#like i gained back all the weight i lost back in 2022 plus like 5 lbs#and i feel so gross!!!!!!#and i feel so ugly!!!! like why dont i look like all the pretty people i see!!!!!! i feel like a fucking poser#trying to be pretty when i know im really not#im tired of being alone !!! im tired of my body !!! im tired of being unemployed !!! im tired of dealing with my grandmas house !!!#im tired of living at home and on long island !!!#i feel like a complete and utter fucking failure and waste of goddamn space !!!!!!!!!!!!#tw ed
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My dad sent me a letter about how much I need to remember Jesus so that we can be together in heaven one day. It’s just a big fucking joke at this point like come on dude
#he has such a savior complex goddamn#he does these things and gets mad when i dont thank him for ‘saving’ me#and hes not gonna stop until he can successfully convert me cuz if he doesnt then hes gonna burn in hell for failing his christian mission#just all this paranoia about hell is too much for me like im already so traumatized by that shit#and im paranoid to extreme degrees by so much fucking shit in my daily life like i have bad ocd dude#so stop trying to make me remember this shit that ive spent my whole life trying to recover from#youre just doing this cuz youre a selfish asshole who cant stand the idea of not being praised by everyone all the time#and it makes you insufferable so fucking insufferable#ugh sorry this is a big personal vent but i just hate this guy and im sick of him having control over me#its been a massive cause of stress for me lately cuz i have to rely on him financially since im really not able to work#and im having to risk shit like being cut off and disowned if i dont conform to his standards#i cant live this way anymore and im fucking. running out of reasons to stay alive at all
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zero changes to kenny's life but he's got some food out of it. win overall
#realistically i dont think he cares TOO much what butters thinks of him.#its obvious he is an asshole like the others just less of an asshole by comparison#AND butters turned it around regardless so he didnt make his situation worse. just highly stressful for the duration of the ep#feels like im glossing over cartman manipulating both of them into this but im not#kenny being used to get butters to go along with it and kenny doing it for self gain are ideas that can coexist. i can and Will fault him#for not growing up and get some goddamn sense into his head#cartman is cartman like what else do you want me to say about this guy.#sugar.txt#watching south park
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